Winter Chill
By Karen

Outside the snow is falling at a steady pace. It has been snowing since last night, and there is at least 6 inches on the ground already. The wind is howling and blowing the snow that has already fallen. While it is a pretty scene, there is something haunting and barren about it, the feeling that everything is so still, and anything alive is buried under all that frozen whiteness. Watching from the window I feel so alone and unprotected. It is not just the weather affecting this mood, it is inside of me.
I have been working hard on changing my focus, on trying to make myself be positive and focused. I have so many goals right now; so many things I need to accomplish, overcome, and work through. The only way I am going to do it is to stay focused on being optimistic and to have a plan. But today my heart is just not listening.
Winter has never been easy for me, with the relentless string of dark days, but this one is even tougher. I am alone much of the time. I know that I need to learn how to face this alone time, and as my sister said to even embrace it. I can’t imagine a time that I will get to the point of embracing it, but I am sure it will come. I am a fish out of water right now. I have always been surrounded by people. Whether it was staying at home with my kids for 21 years, or taking in ballerinas, or living in a house with other people. I have never truly lived alone. House sitting for the next two months means I will be alone much of the time.
I know that I can do this, even though it seems insurmountable at times. I look back at the things I have accomplished, and the things that I have faced, and I know that I have it in me to face anything at all that may come my way. I just have to remind myself that I can. That underneath all the layers of struggle, like the snow blanketing the yard, there is life. There are roots that are still growing, flowers waiting to push their way through in the spring and embrace the sun. It is all in there, inside of me. I just have to trust- trust that winter does last forever. Trust that I have the tenacity and courage to face the alone-ness. Trust that even in the coldest, darkest days there is growth.
I am grateful to have this house to stay in. A warm fire going and soup simmering on the stove. I have a good book waiting by my side. I have so much. Winter can lock me in, or it can force me to just be open to what is coming next. All that is required is to sit and to face the fear and the quiet, and to show myself that inside of me is a strength that refuses to disappear.