What is required?

A lady that I was waiting on at work one day, when I poured her ice water, told me that she would “require water with no ice.” As I went back to the server station to get water sans ice, I felt the writer irritation in me growing. One does not REQUIRE water with no ice. It is not necessary to sustain life, you prefer it, you would like it, but no one requires it. I have thought of that lady many times since, as in her ordering she showed me just how many specific requirements she had, not only in her ice water, but where her bread was placed on the plate, not allowing the sides to touch her sandwich, etc. I have thought about what I require in this new life of mine. Certainly water with no ice is not one of them.
What I have found on my new journey is that my requirements to survival and happiness are quite simple. A good relationship with my amazing children. A roof over my head. A car to get me from Point A to Point B. A job that gives me the ability to pay for my bills. And I have come to realize that I require love. I want to love fully and deeply. This means forging a life that holds meaning and the opportunity to love.
As I was looking at schools to apply for grad school, I felt that dizzying feeling of opportunity. I remember when I was a kid and we would vacation in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, we would go to the copper mines. While there we would get to go into the general store and we were allowed to pick out one thing. I would stand in front of the flattened copper pennies, the large sticks of taffy, the giant braided lollipops. Each item held the promise of happiness and the decision was agonizing and delicious all at the same time. That is the exact feeling I have as I look at graduate schools. The decision is both tantalizing and delicious. So many things I want to do and accomplish, and all of the choices will allow me to work in a way that I feel I can possibly make a difference in the world. My mind is dizzy with the opportunities that lie before me.
Recreating a new life after living one way for so long has been a scary and tentative journey. I have made mistakes which hurt me to acknowledge, and yet I have also made choices that have begun to piece together a life that I can love. As I look around my new home it is filled with things that make my heart soar. There are no expensive pieces of art, or museum quality furniture. But each room is filled with things that make my heart happy. More over the people that come and fill the rooms fill them with love and laughter. I go to work at a job that I get to feel like I am coming in to share the day with my family. I get to encounter new people and approach each table as if I am about to wait on my friends. And school has given me the gift of stimulating a long ago dream of knowledge and a degree.
When I gaze back at what I have traveled over the last couple of years, I see that I have survived and even thrived. When I look at what lays ahead, my heart and mind are filled with a great sense of anticipation, hope and that thrilling feeling of picking the perfect item from the general store. Each thing that lays in front of my promises a measure of joy. The road is certainly not easy, and is often riddled with pain and pitfalls. However, there is also so much promise in each new day and each new opportunity. More than anything as I look around I see love everywhere. I don’t “require” much, just love, and the chance to make a way in this new life. And in this, all that is required of me, is to wake up, stand up, and just keep moving.

Hi everyone, I know its been awhile sense I last wrote but Im back!

The other night, my friend was struggling with their depression and how hurt they were. They said “Sophia, I feel so pathetic for crying to you right now, you have been through worse stuff, I shouldn’t be hurting over something so small as this”. That’s when I realized that this is what society has turned into. That we feel we have no right to be hurting because someone has it worse. I hate the saying “Smile, because someone else has it worse then you” So are we saying that we should not be happy because someone has it better then us? After thinking about what he just said to me and thinking about that saying, I came to the realization that everyone’s hurt is hurt, and instead of comparing each others hurt we should understand their personal hurt and help them through that. In our society now a days, we like to succumb to our pain and we get the mind set that we are pathetic for feeling so awfully sad. But I am here to disagree with that statement. That you aren’t allowed to hurt because someone is hurting for worse reasons. I’m here to say that your hurt is your hurt and that is okay. It could be over the death of a loved one or even over a something as small as getting a bad grade in school; if it hurts then it hurts. But you also have to accept that pain and grow from it. There is no need to compare your hurt to anyone else’s. But you also have to realize that you aren’t in this fight alone. Depression is a hard battle, and we tend to think we have to fight it alone. But I am here to say you don’t have too, you will have people out there to hold your hand while going through things, but you also have to reach out your hand to let them hold it. Depression is yes, a very personal fight and a very hard thing to explain but I am here to say that if you keep fighting and have those people around you to help you that the fight gets easier.

“To comprehend your pain, is to comprehend your strength” –S.R.C

On being Positive
By: Sophia

Hello friends. It has been way too long I know. I don’t know about you guy’s but this past couple months have been pretty tough.

So the other night I was hanging out with my best friend, we were both having a really bad week and needed some time to vent. We both cried, both got our frustrations out about what has been going on, the frustration between school, winter, loneliness and depression. During this conversation she said something that really hit me hard. “ Have you ever thought about how life kinda plays out?” She then went on further into her conversation about if she didn’t meet certain people she wouldn’t of met me, her best friend, and if she never met me she wouldn’t know what to do. It really got me thinking.
Have you ever thought about how life plays out? Well after she went on her rant about how if some bad things didn’t happen she wouldn’t be where she is, it got me thinking. If my parents would have never split, I would not be where I am now, emotionally or in life. I would for one, not be as strong as I am now. I would have not learned to love the small things, to appreciate the things you already have in life. I also would have never met my new “family”. See, my parents got a divorce; it wasn’t easy, I felt like I was losing my family. But it is actually the complete opposite of that. I have a bigger family now. I have great friends who mean the world to me, who I would have never EVER met if these bad things never happened. I would have never even known who they were. Which is completely mind boggling for me, because they are honestly apart of my family now.
After thinking about all this and talking to my best friend about it, I felt refreshed. It made me realize something that left me feeling so much better and a new way to look on the bad things that happen in life. This is what I realized, without the bad things, you would not be where you are now, you wouldn’t be the person you are now without the things that cause you pain, or struggle. At least for me, I know that without all these absolutely crazy things that happened this year. I would not have my amazing friends, I would have never been this strong, I would never have started writing and I wouldn’t be able to help my friends as well as I can now when they are struggling. So I have a challenge for you, I dare you to look back, look back on the times that you thought everything was falling apart and then look at your life this very second and see all the new positive things that are in your life.

Head versus Heart

Head versus Heart
Written by Karen

Every day that I wake up right now, I battle with myself over what my head is telling me and what my heart is feeling.
I am struggling with depression. Most of it I am sure can be attributed to my circumstances and where I am in my life. But knowing this and feeling it are two different things.
I have been searching for a place to live. A home base for my kids when they come over and a place for my oldest daughter and I to call home for a while. A place to unpack my boxes and finally settle in, to hang up my art work, to put my clothes away, and to feel it is mine.
I was recently shown a house by a gentleman who has had this home in their family since the 20’s. I fell in love with it. It is not a typical house. The outside does not do the inside justice. Inside it is cozy, and has the old hardwood floors. It is small, but so perfect for me. It has a huge fenced back yard just calling for a dog, and a space for a garden. It is me. I was scared to get my hopes up. But after our meeting he offered me the house, no deposit, rent I could afford. He told me I had good karma, and that he hoped he could help me out. It is like a miracle! A new chance. A place to settle in and begin this new life.
And yet my heart is not feeling it yet. It seems like it will not really happen. That it is too good to be true. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So many things have been hard for me this past year, and even though I have overcome and persevered, it still seems impossible that life can ever be truly good again. And yet every day I wake up and put one foot in front of the other. There is something in me that refuses to give up no matter how dire things get. I know this survival instinct is deep inside of me, a combination of good genes, and the people that surround me and support me. But surviving is exhausting. I want to get to a point where I thrive! Where I can not only intellectually recognize the good things, but to feel them inside my heart as well. To give myself permission to celebrate the joy.
Good things are happening every single day. I wake up. I work on school. I go to a job that fulfills me. I have three kids who love me and whom I adore. I have friends who give me amazing support. And I now I have a house that I will get to call home. Perseverance, time, tenacity….all these things will help my head and my heart unite. One step at a time.

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.”
― Edith Sitwell

You are only Human
By: Karen

You are only human. That was the reminder I received today. Well, that sucks. I tend to want to exceed my own limits, to do more, and be more. I think that is all well and good, we should always push ourselves to do better! However, I tend to get a little OCD about it. I drive myself to perfection. Straight A’s in school. Trying to be the perfect employee. Not to make any mistakes with my kids or my friends. To be the best in all areas. Well, I am only human.
I make mistakes on a daily basis, sometimes dozens in one day. I fall flat on my face, and get lost and overwhelmed. In the last few months I have found myself apologizing endlessly to my kids, my friends, and everyone else in between. I have made bad choices, I have screwed up, I have fallen. Often. Last night I received my first F ever in college on a quiz. (It was in science, which is in fact my weakness!) Since returning to school I have not allowed anything under an A. If I get an answer or two wrong on a test I focus on the missed answers rather than on that A! I drive myself so hard and push myself to excel. So an F was like a grenade being lobbed into my confidence. I emailed the professor and asked for help! I am not a science person, nor a math person. Linear thinking and me do not align. I am confounded by numbers, and numbers with letters attached just tick me off. The professor emailed me back and asked if I was a diligent student? Was I doing the reading? Was I putting in the time with the materials. I wanted to reach through cyberspace and kill him. Me? Was I being diligent? Was I reading and studying! Being a new semester there is no way that he can know that I eat, drink and breathe my school work. I go to sleep with the mental checklist of what I still need to get done, and I wake up with that heart racing feeling that I will not have enough time before work to accomplish it all. Yes Professor, I am diligent. But alas, I am only human.
Maybe the answer is that I can’t be an A all the time. That there are some subjects, some classes that I may be a C. I may not only have to allow that, but be ok with it. In fact, in looking over these last few months, there may be life moments that I need to accept were not A moments. Moments that were in fact C’s, D’s and even a myriad of F’s. Failing at times is human. Learning from our failures is the most human experience we can have. Picking ourselves up and continuing on, all the way being diligent to not fail in that particular way again is exceptional.
As a type A, OCD, 42 year old student, who is also working full time and trying to get her life in order, I need to learn to be ok with imperfection and with not always having the answers. I need to learn how to forgive myself for being human, and to be kind and gentle with myself. I need to remember that this is a marathon I am in, and not a sprint. I need to pace myself for the long haul, and to know that in the failures there will be lessons, and that those lessons will be the greatest accomplishments of all.

The Little Things

The most frustrating thing for a writer is to have the need to write and to be unable to find the words. My head is literally brimming over with thoughts and yet I keep hitting that brick wall. Everything I write these days feels forced and very cliché. I am dealing with a virtual mountain of life changes, emotions, and challenges, and now is the time I need to write the most! And yet nothing comes to me. My main means of coping is failing me.
Everyone tells me to focus on the positive, and of course that is the most obvious tool to use when you are struggling. And yet when those alligators, as I have come to call my negative thinking, come nipping at my feet, positive thoughts only work for a very short time, and then they come swimming right back. I look at the obvious. I have healthy, amazing, beautiful children and they are my biggest cheerleaders. I have a job. I have friends who love me. I tell myself that those things should definitely outweigh the negative. No place to live that is my own, no car, etc. These are the things that swirl through my mind. Feeling like a stranger in my own life. I try to step back and focus on the positive, and then it eludes me once again.
Yesterday was a particularly bad day for this. And then I started receiving texts from my youngest daughter. They were lists of things to feel positive or happy about. Some were serious, some poignant, other downright hilarious. They are a mix of the big things and the little things. The little things popped out at me, because those are the things I forget to think about when the alligators come calling.
There were things like my children’s smiles, our dogs, the people that love me, the first day of summer, food, coffee, breathing, being alive, twerking, coffee, laughing at the stupid things people say, eating ice cream, our favorite tv shows, Chinese food, my nice butt, funny things we have experienced together, laughing until your stomach hurts, bacon, Mexican food, laughing until you cry, cooking pinterest recipes, long baths, thrift shopping, talking about the zombie apocolyse, McDonalds French fries, looking back at everything that seemed awful at the time and laughing…..
The list went on and on, all in all probably about a hundred things on her list! Little or big, poignant or downright silly they are all things that I need to never forget about. When my alligators come-a-calling I need to take them out and lob them like grenades. I need to keep them and add to the list. I copied and pasted them from text to email, and I think I will begin to add to them. To write them down, and to keep them fresh in my mind.
Many times when we are struggling we forget how very blessed we are and how amazing life can be. We search for the big things, at least I know I have been. Where will I live? What will I drive? When I graduate where will I work. I forget that those things, while they matter, are not the essential make up of our lives. Our lives are tapesties woven out of a thousand threads of the little things.
Thank God on that day words did not escape Sophia Rose. I will forever be grateful for the list, and the gentle but firm reminder that the positive is out there, that I am living it, and that my life is indeed rich beyond measure.

Winter Chill
By Karen

Outside the snow is falling at a steady pace. It has been snowing since last night, and there is at least 6 inches on the ground already. The wind is howling and blowing the snow that has already fallen. While it is a pretty scene, there is something haunting and barren about it, the feeling that everything is so still, and anything alive is buried under all that frozen whiteness. Watching from the window I feel so alone and unprotected. It is not just the weather affecting this mood, it is inside of me.
I have been working hard on changing my focus, on trying to make myself be positive and focused. I have so many goals right now; so many things I need to accomplish, overcome, and work through. The only way I am going to do it is to stay focused on being optimistic and to have a plan. But today my heart is just not listening.
Winter has never been easy for me, with the relentless string of dark days, but this one is even tougher. I am alone much of the time. I know that I need to learn how to face this alone time, and as my sister said to even embrace it. I can’t imagine a time that I will get to the point of embracing it, but I am sure it will come. I am a fish out of water right now. I have always been surrounded by people. Whether it was staying at home with my kids for 21 years, or taking in ballerinas, or living in a house with other people. I have never truly lived alone. House sitting for the next two months means I will be alone much of the time.
I know that I can do this, even though it seems insurmountable at times. I look back at the things I have accomplished, and the things that I have faced, and I know that I have it in me to face anything at all that may come my way. I just have to remind myself that I can. That underneath all the layers of struggle, like the snow blanketing the yard, there is life. There are roots that are still growing, flowers waiting to push their way through in the spring and embrace the sun. It is all in there, inside of me. I just have to trust- trust that winter does last forever. Trust that I have the tenacity and courage to face the alone-ness. Trust that even in the coldest, darkest days there is growth.
I am grateful to have this house to stay in. A warm fire going and soup simmering on the stove. I have a good book waiting by my side. I have so much. Winter can lock me in, or it can force me to just be open to what is coming next. All that is required is to sit and to face the fear and the quiet, and to show myself that inside of me is a strength that refuses to disappear.