You are only Human
By: Karen

You are only human. That was the reminder I received today. Well, that sucks. I tend to want to exceed my own limits, to do more, and be more. I think that is all well and good, we should always push ourselves to do better! However, I tend to get a little OCD about it. I drive myself to perfection. Straight A’s in school. Trying to be the perfect employee. Not to make any mistakes with my kids or my friends. To be the best in all areas. Well, I am only human.
I make mistakes on a daily basis, sometimes dozens in one day. I fall flat on my face, and get lost and overwhelmed. In the last few months I have found myself apologizing endlessly to my kids, my friends, and everyone else in between. I have made bad choices, I have screwed up, I have fallen. Often. Last night I received my first F ever in college on a quiz. (It was in science, which is in fact my weakness!) Since returning to school I have not allowed anything under an A. If I get an answer or two wrong on a test I focus on the missed answers rather than on that A! I drive myself so hard and push myself to excel. So an F was like a grenade being lobbed into my confidence. I emailed the professor and asked for help! I am not a science person, nor a math person. Linear thinking and me do not align. I am confounded by numbers, and numbers with letters attached just tick me off. The professor emailed me back and asked if I was a diligent student? Was I doing the reading? Was I putting in the time with the materials. I wanted to reach through cyberspace and kill him. Me? Was I being diligent? Was I reading and studying! Being a new semester there is no way that he can know that I eat, drink and breathe my school work. I go to sleep with the mental checklist of what I still need to get done, and I wake up with that heart racing feeling that I will not have enough time before work to accomplish it all. Yes Professor, I am diligent. But alas, I am only human.
Maybe the answer is that I can’t be an A all the time. That there are some subjects, some classes that I may be a C. I may not only have to allow that, but be ok with it. In fact, in looking over these last few months, there may be life moments that I need to accept were not A moments. Moments that were in fact C’s, D’s and even a myriad of F’s. Failing at times is human. Learning from our failures is the most human experience we can have. Picking ourselves up and continuing on, all the way being diligent to not fail in that particular way again is exceptional.
As a type A, OCD, 42 year old student, who is also working full time and trying to get her life in order, I need to learn to be ok with imperfection and with not always having the answers. I need to learn how to forgive myself for being human, and to be kind and gentle with myself. I need to remember that this is a marathon I am in, and not a sprint. I need to pace myself for the long haul, and to know that in the failures there will be lessons, and that those lessons will be the greatest accomplishments of all.