Head versus Heart

Head versus Heart
Written by Karen

Every day that I wake up right now, I battle with myself over what my head is telling me and what my heart is feeling.
I am struggling with depression. Most of it I am sure can be attributed to my circumstances and where I am in my life. But knowing this and feeling it are two different things.
I have been searching for a place to live. A home base for my kids when they come over and a place for my oldest daughter and I to call home for a while. A place to unpack my boxes and finally settle in, to hang up my art work, to put my clothes away, and to feel it is mine.
I was recently shown a house by a gentleman who has had this home in their family since the 20’s. I fell in love with it. It is not a typical house. The outside does not do the inside justice. Inside it is cozy, and has the old hardwood floors. It is small, but so perfect for me. It has a huge fenced back yard just calling for a dog, and a space for a garden. It is me. I was scared to get my hopes up. But after our meeting he offered me the house, no deposit, rent I could afford. He told me I had good karma, and that he hoped he could help me out. It is like a miracle! A new chance. A place to settle in and begin this new life.
And yet my heart is not feeling it yet. It seems like it will not really happen. That it is too good to be true. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So many things have been hard for me this past year, and even though I have overcome and persevered, it still seems impossible that life can ever be truly good again. And yet every day I wake up and put one foot in front of the other. There is something in me that refuses to give up no matter how dire things get. I know this survival instinct is deep inside of me, a combination of good genes, and the people that surround me and support me. But surviving is exhausting. I want to get to a point where I thrive! Where I can not only intellectually recognize the good things, but to feel them inside my heart as well. To give myself permission to celebrate the joy.
Good things are happening every single day. I wake up. I work on school. I go to a job that fulfills me. I have three kids who love me and whom I adore. I have friends who give me amazing support. And I now I have a house that I will get to call home. Perseverance, time, tenacity….all these things will help my head and my heart unite. One step at a time.

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.”
― Edith Sitwell