By: Karen
“I feel like myself, strong and weak at once - allowed, at least for a little while, to be both.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant
It is time to talk about strength.
Over the last year I have had so many people tell me how strong I am.
I get that. I get that to survive and keep going it takes an inner strength. In my life I have survived a lot of difficult things. In high school I had to survive a lot of serious trauma. In my adult life I have buried two sons. And now the loss of my marriage and struggling to find my way, figuring out who I am outside of being a wife. I have faced living alone in the city, trying to pay my way, working and going to school full time. Not to mention mastering the public transit system, which is a strength, all in and of itself. So I understand that people thing I am strong.
Here is the thing about being strong. When you are going through it, you feel anything but strong. With everything I have been through in my life, when people would look at me and say: “you are so strong, I could never survive what you have survived.” I know it is meant to be a compliment, and encouragement. However when people tell you that you are strong there is an expectation. With so many eyes on me watching me to make sure that I will be ok, that I will not fall apart, there is a pressure then to be strong. Part of me wants to ask people to stop telling me how strong I am.
Inside I do not feel strong. I feel at any minute that everything I have been holding together can fall apart. It is like wearing a beautiful dress, and then you find a loose thread. You pull at it, and before you know it you have unraveled a giant hole in this beautiful garment. I see all of my loose threads, and it has taken everything in me not to pull at them. I know if I do that, it could all fall apart.
Half of the time I feel afraid. Some days I am terrified. Living alone and doing things alone has meant there is no one to be vulnerable too. There is no one to pick up the slack when I am exhausted or just need a break. It has meant pushing myself beyond what I think I am capable of. I know that this has only made me stronger. But there has been no time to sit back and just be with the pain and the grief. No time to let myself be weak.
I have always found it fascinating that the Pansy is one of the strongest flowers in nature. It can grow anywhere and survive any weather or any type of soil, and yet we use the name to call someone else weak. I have learned over the past year that I can survive anything. That I will grow anywhere, in any condition and yes, that makes me strong. But a pansy can be crushed, and so can I. I know now that I will never be defeated, but I can feel so weak and so scared, and so vulnerable.
Strength is not easily won. And the strong are often the weakest of all human beings. I think it is because the strong know what the battle entails, they know before stepping in all that they are facing and all that there is too lose. I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that strength is moving forward in the face of fear.
But even the strongest among us need a place to rest. A time to say just for today I can’t be strong another minute. Let me rest and then I will pick myself up and be strong again.
“When we feel weak, we drop our heads on the shoulders of others. Don't get mad when someone does that. Be honored. For that person trusted you enough to, even if subtly, ask you for help.”
― Lori Lifsey
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