Head versus Heart
Written by Karen
Every day that I wake up right now, I battle with myself over what my head is telling me and what my heart is feeling.
I am struggling with depression. Most of it I am sure can be attributed to my circumstances and where I am in my life. But knowing this and feeling it are two different things.
I have been searching for a place to live. A home base for my kids when they come over and a place for my oldest daughter and I to call home for a while. A place to unpack my boxes and finally settle in, to hang up my art work, to put my clothes away, and to feel it is mine.
I was recently shown a house by a gentleman who has had this home in their family since the 20’s. I fell in love with it. It is not a typical house. The outside does not do the inside justice. Inside it is cozy, and has the old hardwood floors. It is small, but so perfect for me. It has a huge fenced back yard just calling for a dog, and a space for a garden. It is me. I was scared to get my hopes up. But after our meeting he offered me the house, no deposit, rent I could afford. He told me I had good karma, and that he hoped he could help me out. It is like a miracle! A new chance. A place to settle in and begin this new life.
And yet my heart is not feeling it yet. It seems like it will not really happen. That it is too good to be true. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So many things have been hard for me this past year, and even though I have overcome and persevered, it still seems impossible that life can ever be truly good again. And yet every day I wake up and put one foot in front of the other. There is something in me that refuses to give up no matter how dire things get. I know this survival instinct is deep inside of me, a combination of good genes, and the people that surround me and support me. But surviving is exhausting. I want to get to a point where I thrive! Where I can not only intellectually recognize the good things, but to feel them inside my heart as well. To give myself permission to celebrate the joy.
Good things are happening every single day. I wake up. I work on school. I go to a job that fulfills me. I have three kids who love me and whom I adore. I have friends who give me amazing support. And I now I have a house that I will get to call home. Perseverance, time, tenacity….all these things will help my head and my heart unite. One step at a time.
“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.”
― Edith Sitwell
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
You are only Human
By: Karen
You are only human. That was the reminder I received today. Well, that sucks. I tend to want to exceed my own limits, to do more, and be more. I think that is all well and good, we should always push ourselves to do better! However, I tend to get a little OCD about it. I drive myself to perfection. Straight A’s in school. Trying to be the perfect employee. Not to make any mistakes with my kids or my friends. To be the best in all areas. Well, I am only human.
I make mistakes on a daily basis, sometimes dozens in one day. I fall flat on my face, and get lost and overwhelmed. In the last few months I have found myself apologizing endlessly to my kids, my friends, and everyone else in between. I have made bad choices, I have screwed up, I have fallen. Often. Last night I received my first F ever in college on a quiz. (It was in science, which is in fact my weakness!) Since returning to school I have not allowed anything under an A. If I get an answer or two wrong on a test I focus on the missed answers rather than on that A! I drive myself so hard and push myself to excel. So an F was like a grenade being lobbed into my confidence. I emailed the professor and asked for help! I am not a science person, nor a math person. Linear thinking and me do not align. I am confounded by numbers, and numbers with letters attached just tick me off. The professor emailed me back and asked if I was a diligent student? Was I doing the reading? Was I putting in the time with the materials. I wanted to reach through cyberspace and kill him. Me? Was I being diligent? Was I reading and studying! Being a new semester there is no way that he can know that I eat, drink and breathe my school work. I go to sleep with the mental checklist of what I still need to get done, and I wake up with that heart racing feeling that I will not have enough time before work to accomplish it all. Yes Professor, I am diligent. But alas, I am only human.
Maybe the answer is that I can’t be an A all the time. That there are some subjects, some classes that I may be a C. I may not only have to allow that, but be ok with it. In fact, in looking over these last few months, there may be life moments that I need to accept were not A moments. Moments that were in fact C’s, D’s and even a myriad of F’s. Failing at times is human. Learning from our failures is the most human experience we can have. Picking ourselves up and continuing on, all the way being diligent to not fail in that particular way again is exceptional.
As a type A, OCD, 42 year old student, who is also working full time and trying to get her life in order, I need to learn to be ok with imperfection and with not always having the answers. I need to learn how to forgive myself for being human, and to be kind and gentle with myself. I need to remember that this is a marathon I am in, and not a sprint. I need to pace myself for the long haul, and to know that in the failures there will be lessons, and that those lessons will be the greatest accomplishments of all.
By: Karen
You are only human. That was the reminder I received today. Well, that sucks. I tend to want to exceed my own limits, to do more, and be more. I think that is all well and good, we should always push ourselves to do better! However, I tend to get a little OCD about it. I drive myself to perfection. Straight A’s in school. Trying to be the perfect employee. Not to make any mistakes with my kids or my friends. To be the best in all areas. Well, I am only human.
I make mistakes on a daily basis, sometimes dozens in one day. I fall flat on my face, and get lost and overwhelmed. In the last few months I have found myself apologizing endlessly to my kids, my friends, and everyone else in between. I have made bad choices, I have screwed up, I have fallen. Often. Last night I received my first F ever in college on a quiz. (It was in science, which is in fact my weakness!) Since returning to school I have not allowed anything under an A. If I get an answer or two wrong on a test I focus on the missed answers rather than on that A! I drive myself so hard and push myself to excel. So an F was like a grenade being lobbed into my confidence. I emailed the professor and asked for help! I am not a science person, nor a math person. Linear thinking and me do not align. I am confounded by numbers, and numbers with letters attached just tick me off. The professor emailed me back and asked if I was a diligent student? Was I doing the reading? Was I putting in the time with the materials. I wanted to reach through cyberspace and kill him. Me? Was I being diligent? Was I reading and studying! Being a new semester there is no way that he can know that I eat, drink and breathe my school work. I go to sleep with the mental checklist of what I still need to get done, and I wake up with that heart racing feeling that I will not have enough time before work to accomplish it all. Yes Professor, I am diligent. But alas, I am only human.
Maybe the answer is that I can’t be an A all the time. That there are some subjects, some classes that I may be a C. I may not only have to allow that, but be ok with it. In fact, in looking over these last few months, there may be life moments that I need to accept were not A moments. Moments that were in fact C’s, D’s and even a myriad of F’s. Failing at times is human. Learning from our failures is the most human experience we can have. Picking ourselves up and continuing on, all the way being diligent to not fail in that particular way again is exceptional.
As a type A, OCD, 42 year old student, who is also working full time and trying to get her life in order, I need to learn to be ok with imperfection and with not always having the answers. I need to learn how to forgive myself for being human, and to be kind and gentle with myself. I need to remember that this is a marathon I am in, and not a sprint. I need to pace myself for the long haul, and to know that in the failures there will be lessons, and that those lessons will be the greatest accomplishments of all.
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