Change
Written by: Karen

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

Change. I thought I would always hate it, and yet it has been my entire life for over a year now. Almost on a weekly, and sometimes on a daily basis, there have been changes. I have learned to make change my friend. To look at it square in the face, and say- let’s do this thing.
In my life I have thrived on routines. I am a list maker. I liked to know what was coming, and to watch as I crossed things off my list. I liked to know the borders and parameters of my life. This has proven impossible in my most recent past. I have learned to become accustomed to the unexpected, and to be pliable and to face change without flinching.

Some changes have been amazing, and others have been terrifying. Some have literally brought me to my knees with grief. Seeing it through though, not running or giving up, or calling Uncle has reaped so many rewards. I have learned above all else that there are no borders, that life is limitless in its possibilities.
As a little girl I used to lie awake at night forcing myself to focus on the idea of eternity, infinity, and no limits. I would become dizzy with fear to the point where I would run to my mom’s bedside and tell her I was scared and just couldn’t sleep. She would fix me a cup of Ovaltine, and I would grasp on to the warm solidness of the cup. I would stare into her eyes and know that she was keeping me tethered to the ground; I was not going to fly away into the great abyss of eternity. She would keep me there.
The last year I have not had someone to run to in the night, no one to make me a cup of Ovaltine and to remind me that I was tethered safely in place. I have had to do that for myself. So much change has made my life unchartered territory. I lie in bed in an apartment in Chicago and feel that pull towards fear, that feeling of falling into so much that is unknown. My mind still feels dizzy with fear. And yet, I have survived it all. I have not flown away, I have not disappeared. I have learned that the little girl is still there, and she can still be afraid. But I have also learned that inside of me there is a woman who is strong, brave, competent, and even unafraid.
Change can mean fear. It can mean losses and grief. But what I have learned is that change also means possibility, hope and promise. These next two months are going to be full of change. I have made choices that will turn everything upside down and inside out once again. But when your heart knows what is right, you face the abyss of the unknown with your head held high, and know that there is no limit to what your life can become. No limit. No fear. No regret. Nothing but hope.